Iceman

 Howdy. Thanks for coming. 

So this stories going to briefly start two weeks prior when I decided to race Mohican (26 miles 3000 ft. Vert.). I showed up to Mohican on some sub par fitness and terrible nutrition. Kinda an experiment if you will. Ya see, learning the hard way is my favorite way, BECAUSE doing hard things makes you tough! Rite?

So I go out for my warm up, and if we’re being honest….. between me and you; I don’t really know what a warm up is, does, or how to do one. I’ve done them on the peleton and I know that there’s a warm up in all my workouts but…. Like what’s the goal? How should you feel before vs. after? I do know; that after 10 or so miles on the trail my legs come alive….. usually. So I decided with my 20 minutes until race start I would just go climb the first mile of the trail and then descend to the start line. That took longer then expected, but the race director is notoriously late for everything therefore, my start was delayed 8 minutes. Worked out perfect. 

I took a quick painless pee before the race (teaser😉) and lined up. Now coming off Marji, I was feeling confident that I could put in a pretty big effort and be able to deal with any consequences that arose. So I went out hard….. for me… the first 1.5 miles is just climbing that gets increasingly technical. I was doing well, for the first time in a race, I had people in front of me to chase and people behind, chasing me. It was fun! Just like in the syd and Mackey YouTube videos! I was even passing people! I gained about 5 positions by mile 10. My heart rate was reaching extreme highs and I was suffering a bit, but that’s the type 2 fun. 

Now I never cramp. But I also never put in big efforts and try and race, I’m more of the survival type. So I figured cramping would happen. I also have heard that pickle juice will stop cramps. What a fun experiment! So before the race I snagged a 8 oz bottle of pickle juice. 

Well around that 10 mile mark, I felt funny things a brewin in the legs. So I uncapped that pickle juice and started gulping……. The worst climb of the day was at mile 12. It’s brutal. I made it up that climb without loosing any positions but at the top…. Both my legs totally locked up. Ugh oh. Pickle juice gulp, gulp, gulp, drinking water, eating all my food. Nothing. Just terrible painful cramps through all of my leg parts. 

I immediately start loosing positions and by mile 15 I had drank 8 ounces of sweet sweet pickle juice and couldn’t walk or ride. Just concrete painful legs. I was now alone and likely in last place. Food was gone, pickle juice was gone and I had 9 miles left. 

So I crawled and scraped and coasted my way through the trail. Then I had to urinate. So on an uphill crawl I stopped to relieve myself , and holy mother of pearl….. I was peeing fire. It burned so bad. ….. that’s interesting. It was either a pickle juice overdose or an STD. Since I had no recollection of a fun event that would lead to an STD, I started to wonder…. Just how much pickle juice are you suppose to consume in 1 sitting. Hmm. 

Well onward and upward. I was dead set on bailing with 2 miles left. 2 miles from the finish you descend onto a road that is flat and would lead to my car. Fuck it… ya know? Take the loss. 

So I got to that road and then kept back up the trail. Can’t quit. More crawling. About a half mile from the finish you are in a campground going up and down gravel roads and single track, on one of these downward road to single track descents, I stood up to drop into some single track, my legs cramped and I rode off an embankment and went over the bars. Ended up getting gravel in my mouth and a decent amount of road rash. Nice lil boo boo on my lip. So I crossed the finish line in various amounts of pain and headed to the car. I was way behind schedule but…. There was a fun story in the making so…. Success. 

I got to my car and took a pee. More 🔥! Ouch. I drank water on the way home and the HOT pee continued. 

Google fact: consuming more than 2 ounces of pickle juice can irritate the bladder and cause a burning sensation during urination. Dehydration can intensify this sensation. See a physician if symptoms last longer then 12-24 hours. 

Well I toughed it out and it was about 26 hours before the burning subsided. So…. Moral of the story. The next time your with your best friend playing a game of truth or dare… dare them to drink 8 oz of pickle juice 😉

In the following days I started getting a scratchy throat. This is pretty typical when I put in a big effort. The immune system tanks and I get sick. So I took it easy, ate DayQuil for breakfast lunch and dinner and survived. Not much iceman prep though. 

However I did clean up the diet a bit. Ate a little healthier and stared focusing on that H20. The Friday before iceman I successfully consumed 8 bananas and 10 bottles of water. Which made the 6 hour drive north for iceman A bit longer with a pee break every 20 miles. 

I jetted out of work at 9 a.m., everything was already loaded up so I got rite on the road. I had removed all the seats in my car… as one does… and made a real nice bed with lots of cozy blankets. Sleeping accommodations at iceman are biggg money. 

I listened to 6 hours of Ryan van duzers bike packing YouTube videos on the way up and fantasized about living off my bike. I got to the iceman parking lot ( a hay field) about 3:00. It’s important to preride the end of iceman because it changes every year and has lots of twist and turns. But it’s kinda tricky because the parking lot is 1.5 miles away from course access. And I’m not big on gps or navigation or preparation. I’m more of a follower. Like if you told me to jump off a bridge, I would… 

The beautiful thing about iceman, is that there are over 4000 racers. So the whole city is buzzing with bikes, therefore the parking lot had groups coming and going. So I dressed in my NEW long sleeve thermal Marji jersey I just received in the mail and headed for the road…. Slowly pedaling… looking for a victim to befriend and follow to the course. AH HA!!! Got one! Some delightful fellow in a 906 jersey! (Marji is run by 906). So I got on his wheel and started chatting about 906. This guy had done Marji 5 times. He was awesome. We rode side by side and chatted the whole preride. He was so great. And we are both attending Marji camp! 

Post pre ride my new best friend took a turn, but I was headed back to the car. I had shenanigans to partake in. But back to that non preparedness and excitement for a new friend, I didn’t exactly pay attention to the road route we had taken to get to the course. No worries, same plan as before, slowly pedaling in the direction of where I had parked until I could find someone to follow. I quickly found 3 guys riding in the direction of the hay field, so I followed. Soon into this ride one of them turns around, spots my Marji jersey and says “you finish Marji?”. Boom! New friend. We slowly rode down the road to the hay field chatting away about this years rain at Marji. We then arrive at our cars and he says “ dude, you mentioned you were 350lbs and your a great story teller, you got time to tell me that story?”. 

Ha. Ha. Ha. Me? Time to TELL a story?!?!? Omg yassssss. So we sat on our bikes for 20 minutes while I walked him through my bargain gastric sleeve surgery in Mexico. His name was Dennis and I’ll see him again! 

Ok pre ride was done. 2 friends made. Fantastic! Now onto the ice expo. Let me paint you a picture of the expo hotel deal. 500 parking spots full. Multi story hotel with a bunch of stores and food places on the first floor and the expo center in the basement area. Just packed shoulder to shoulder with people. Now I have to attend the expo to get my packet with my number plate and such. 

So I drive to the back and find a parking spot. It was a bit chilly. 32 degrees so I scavenged my car for appropriate cold weather attire. JACKPOT!!!!! Pig mascot costume was still rolling around from Marji. Cozy warm. So I put that beauty on. Now I had become aware that my friend Stace was gunna be around the expo. But there’s so many people…. How will I ever find her?? Hmmm… a huge cardboard sign should work. I grabbed my spare cardboard and markets and got to doodling. Just straight to the point. Nothing cute. I wrote “Anybody seen Stacie? Perfect. 

Now. When entering a crowded public venue in a mascot costume, I felt to keep the alarm bells from going off I should not put the head on just yet. So I walked through the venue until I found the expo. Then I put the head on and held up my sign and started searching. I found the 906 tent but I was informed Stacie was in the bathroom. 

No problem I’ll just loiter in front of the booth and wait. A lot of kids liked my costume so there was some dancing and picture taking. Then Stacie arrived. We hugged. It was absolutely delightful. Then a fella came up to Todd and said someone from the event was asking about the pig and he told them “it’s a 906 thing”. 😂. Marji people are strange. 

So I got my race packet and headed out. 

Now it was time to connect with my Ohio friends. New and old. We met at an arcade for a beer. NA for me 😉. If I walk around in a pig costume sober…. No need for booze. Then it was onto Bubbas for dinner. Amazing burgers. More amazing friends. And epic stories. Fun was had by all. 

After leaving dinner I was feeling pretty ill. So I stopped at a gas station for some high dollar NyQuil  and headed to my lodging for the evening. 

Evening lodging was the hay field parking lot in my car. I got to the field about 8 p.m. It’s a grey area on whether or not you can car camp in this parking area. But there were at least 50 vehicles that had been dropped off to stay until after the race the next day. The only difference was my vehicle had a heavily tattooed balding pig enthusiast fella sleeping in the trunk. So I think it was safe. I got my bed all made. Settled in, took my NyQuil, turned on survivor and fell fast asleep. I woke up a few times to eat the rest of my burger and fries…. Because ya know… carb loading. 

Pro tip: when car living…. Sleep with your head in the trunk. Then no one can see you and it’s nice and dark. 

I awoke race morning to the sound of loud car doors rite next to me. As I peaked out from the trunk, I found that I was surrounded by fast people. They are fast because the fast people start in the early waves. How exciting. I surprised some people by hoping out if my car and firing up my bikepacking stove. More carbs. I threw on some water to get me some ramen cookin for breakfast. 

Once the fast people had settled down, I FaceTimed my mommy to chat while I ate breakfast. I did forget eating utensils so I used a piece of plastic. It worked. 

I then finished off my last banana and got my bike ready. About that time I got a call. It was nature. So I glanced at the porta potty and saw the line was about 10 people deep and then I saw some pine trees with low hanging branches. So I casually walked into those. Got rid of those bananas and I was feeling Grrrrrrreat! 

Now last year at iceman they gave us less then desirable drop bags. I liked them, I just duct taped mine together and used it. So I was kinda banking on that. Well this year… no bag. Hmmm what to do, what to do. I searched around my car and found my compression sack for my sleeping bag. That’ll do! I bundled up and loaded up and headed to the shuttle. 

F.Y.I. Iceman has 4000 participants and spectators on top of that. So parking is an issue. Therefore they have you park in a field and then school buses take you, and a U-Haul takes your bike, to the start. Very well designed operation. 

So I got to the shuttle line. Started chatting with people. Sharing iceman stories from previous years. Then we got on the shuttle. I like to get a seat by myself and let someone sit with me. Then I’ve got 30 minutes to make them by best friend forever. Mary was my new friend. She came in from buffalo, 2nd iceman, wave 34. 

When the shuttle arrived at the start, I realized I had miscalculated the timing and I only had 22 minutes to drop off my bag, shout good luck to Rick, and attempt a warm up. I panicked and took off my pants and jacket, put them in my drop bag and threw it in the U-Haul. Then I went out for my warm up…. And let me tell you. It was brisk! 32 degrees and windy. I was severely underdressed. 

But it was race time. So I’m committed. I lined up on my wave. In the back. Ate a few bites of my pecan pie. And we were off. The rollout is an airport runway. I felt good, passed a good amount of people leading into the first single track. My fingers were frozen. Wrong glove choice.  My nutrition for the day was a box of Bluey fruit snacks and a dozen no bake peanut butter cookies. They were delicious. And they held up great in my jersey pocket. The fruit snacks got hard in the cold weather. 

The heaviness in my legs was coming and going. But I was there. I was doing it. I was putting in the most effort I could muster up. I quickly started to realize what it’s really like to race, not just survive. I would put in a big effort on a climb and then need to spin the legs and recover on the flats. I got passed a lot. And I passed some people. The environment was electric. The aid station music and volunteers was incredible. 

At mile 10 there was a traffic jam. Dead stop for…. Not sure how long. At least 10 minutes. Hopefully 20. (Given my finish time 😂). Once through that there was some suffering. Definitely pushing the limits. When you’re in single track with a line of people behind you, you tend to go a little harder. 

I ate all my food and drank my water. Made friends, talked a lot of Marji talk. Made go pro videos. And then with 3 miles left, we got those pesky leg cramps. But we were close and I had pre rode this section. 3 climbs left. I backed wayyyyy of on the flats. Just trying to spin out some lactic acid. ( I don’t know if this is a thing, but I was willing to try!). The next 3 climbs are insane. People lined up against the barriers screaming. So I slowly in 1st gear with an ugly look on myself made it up all of them. Legs were toast. …. I thought… 

In the final little twisty turny finish area I managed to pass 4 people and sprinted some guy to the finish and won. That was cool. 

I quickly found a tree to lean my bike against and sit down. Whew. Hardest effort of my life for sure. I went to the drop bag tent and got my compression sack. Bundled up, cracked open my illegal secret Sam Adam’s IPA N/A and set off looking for my friends. I found them, shared battle stories of the race, finished my beer and headed home. I had a 6 hour drive with work in the morning. Better get to it. I took the shuttle back to the hay field but it was a short trip, so no best friendships were formed. 

I got to my car, cranked the heat. Changed my clothes and headed south. 

Amazing event with an amazing community. See ya next year Iceman!