DRT CULT: Day 1

 Dirt Bag Camp was scheduled to start on Sunday at 3:00 p.m. central time, rite before spring break but, like all good cults, you can’t put a leash on these “athletes”. I use the term athletes lightly because they’re really just a bunch of old people having a mid life crisis that involves exercise. 

Luckily, I’m not grouped in with “them”. I, myself, am a delicious looking 37 year old who looks 22 from the forehead down. …. Not even being funny, I get Id’d at the grocery store when I try to buy children’s Tylenol! 

So anyway, I don’t mind gracing the old folks with my young youthful energy, it’s kinda like a service I provide to the pre-elderly. 

Ok, ok, back to Camp. So it was suppose to start at 3:00 on Sunday but, no chance you can keep these fine athletes caged up with an arbitrary number like 3. I left 6 days early, completed the 13 hour drive and arrived in Bentonville at 7:00a.m. Wednesday morning. 

I had a side project where I was going to ride around in the mountains and see if bears like cinnamon sugar or blueberry pop tarts better. And also how many times can you reuse a baby wipe for dark green diarrhea. But that’s the next blog. In about 3 days. So set a reminder 😉! 

It would turn out, I wasn’t the only dirt bag rolling in early, nearly everyone except mom and dad came in early. 

Setting the scene

So it’s Sunday morning at 6:00 a.m., I’m in some persons camper just outside of Fayetteville, Arkansas on top of a mountain and I am out of food. I have my bike completely packed and I have left this air bnb camper, nicer and cleaner then when I had arrived. Around 6:45 I decided it was light enough to depart. It was my 37th birthday and I was recovered from my 3 day bonk and the only thing that stood in front of me and my best friends was 42 miles and 1800 feet of elevation. Mostly paved road and bike path. But my main objective was to find the first restaurant available and stop in for some biscuits and gravy! My mouth was watering just thinking about it! 

That was short lived though, as I descended into Fayetteville I was bombarded by the unhoused who were camping on the bike path. Many of them in all shapes. Walking, riding, skating, hiking, wheelchair with a trailer ( slick set up). I told them all Good morning but pressed on. I knew the “largest athlete” and his daughter were held up in there van, just north of Bentonville, and would be arriving in bentonville to rip trails soon. So with full FOMO, I grabbed a gear and set my arrow bars north. My NOX gear was activated and connected and the volume was at a 10. It was bouncing back and forth between Too short “shake that monkey”🐵 and Miley Cyrus “party in the U.S.A. 

About 20 miles in, I encountered a large gas station and decided I better get some food; wouldn’t want to start another bonk just yet, I was still licking my wounds from the last one. I landed on Orange Juice and a Mega Burrito that had a hash brown, ham, bacon, sausage, cheese, and egg in it. The first bite was 10/10. The last bite (13 hours later) was still a 6/10. 

2 bites of that burrito and I was full. Back to pedaling north. I got a Birthday text from my BFF Shluzie and I asked her for the big guys number. I received Shlris’s phone number and sent him a text. Since we didn’t have each others phone information I figured I better let him know it was me in the first text. 

Me: let’s trade bald guy nudes! 

Immediate response 

Shlris: Ok! Where are you? 

I had arrived back at my car at the Bentonville bike shop and Shlris and his daughter pulled up shortly after. Shlris is very kind hearted soul, as soon as he pulled up he was telling me I was number 1! 😬 or pointing to the sky. Not sure. I just saw a finger going up. …….I suppose we better just dive in…. 

Criminal profile #1 SHLRIS 

Attractiveness from the knee up: 2.3/10

Attractiveness from the knee down: 11/10 

Calves profile: Arnold Schwarzenegger early 70’s

Occupation: partner with another man (domestic?)

Current mood: Hungry 

Address: Black Van with air conditioning. No solar.

Last time with bangs: 1984

Father: 🐺 ey

Excessive giggles: constantly 

Claim to fame: Mega hot, Mega young spouse. 

When you see Shlris and his spouse it doesn’t make sense. The math doesn’t math. A 10 and a 2 aren’t equal…. Then you see his calves and it’s like…. Ok… I get it, she’s into legs…. Not faces, or arms, or heads, or bellies, or toes. 

Ok, ok, back to the bike stuff. So we make a plan to meet at Coler. Coler is a bike park with 2 sides, 2 “hubs”, and many downhill runs. It also has a fully concrete bombproof shelter that sells beverages big and small. Well, actually they only have one size but a big variety. You get what I’m saying. 

It wasn’t that close to lunch time but close enough for Shlris, he needed food in his belly and I was down, I hadn’t had anything beyond a poptart in 5 days and the idea or real food was arrousing.

We hit a downhill run and then took Oscars trail around to the road and then up to Archie’s Sandwich shop. I had the “when in doubt”, it’s that one with Pesto, chicken, bacon, onion, mayo, lettuce. No tomato 🍅. I got the half. $11. And a lemon lime Gatorade, I had one of those Mexican sodas 🥤 in my hand but it wasn’t a twist off, and I wouldn’t be able to finish it. It was mandarin flavor. 

As we were ordering, another dirtbag arrived! Shloug! Shloug and I had done some deep deep trauma bonding just a few weeks earlier at polar roll where we completed a marathon in the snow while pushing our bikes. Shloug is the only other person in the dirtbag community who is young, sexy, and spry like myself, not geriatric like the others. 

Criminal Profile # 2 Shloug

Hair: perfect. Little salt n peppa, groomed to perfection 

Beard: perfectier. Salt n peppe-ier. Combed straight down. More like artwork than facial hair. 

Attitude: kind, kinder, and kindest. Nicest human on earth 

Truck: 150k miles. 4th owner. Fast n pretty 

Occupation: global purchaser and seller of rare footwear 🐘 👢 👀

Single: No😔

Ink: passenger side quad. Blue/red with good color saturation 

Role in Cult: Feeder

Cooking skills: Gordon Ramsey who? Never heard of her

Pink/black skull shirt club: yep

Shloug parked across the street and came over for lunch. We caught up and chatted and ate for about an hour. Bellies full and it was time to get down to business. We had bikes to ride, hills to climb, jumps to case, and memories to make. 

I couldn’t take looking at Shlris’s calves any longer pedaling behind him, the jealousy was giving me negative vibes. So I quickly crafter a plan. I would “air up” my flat tire and “accidentally” snap my valve stem in half. Then I could make a plea to Shloug to let me ride in his super cool, super luxurious, super decked out, all black, ford raptor, and ditch what’s her name…. Shlris. 

My plan couldn’t have worked out any better. It was like theater. As soon as they walked up to me airing up my tire: SNAP! Whooosshhhhoooiieeeee….. the air all came out and everyone knew I had a flat now. 😎. 

Of course, Shloug immediately offered me a ride and again my plan went off perfectly. 

We drove over to the Coler parking lot, I replaced my valve stem, we all went potty, refilled water, loaded some snacks, re upped on the sunscreen and hit the trails. It was 80 degrees and sunny and the trails were perfect. We hit esters cx trail over to Oscar’s trail, up peddle assist and down fire line. 

Disclaimer: all trail directions are wrong and only for the flow of the story 

That adventure worked up a caffeine itch in ol Shlougs  brain, so we made our way over to the bomb shelter/beverage dealer and he got himself some espresso. 

I still had my lemon lime Gatorade so I pulled up a seat in the sun by Shloni. From 50 yards away, it would appear Shloni and Shlris are related by marriage. Or with marriage I mean. But then up close it’s clear of the intense age difference, so I’m still not sure how they connect, but they drive places together. 

Not Criminal profile # 3 Shloni

Woman made of Iron: affirmative 

Visual age: 28 and 4 months 

Menu Item of choice: pork-pulled 

Degree: Masters 

Fetish: inflamed calf muscles 

Specialty: math, division specifically 

Example: 5’8” + 5’6” / 2 x 5’10”= 6’1”ish mailman 

Marji finisher: indeed

Known cropduster of adolescence: that’s what I hear 😮

First in the shower after a ride: EVERY DARN TIME🤨

First at laundry: of course. 

Around this time we had been spotted by the round bald dude and the serenity was broken. Shlris was informing us that the house was ready and we could head there for lingering hugs with all the other athletes as they arrived. All I needed to hear was lingering hugs and my outbound mount was headed straight to the house. 

Arrival at World Dirt Headquarters 

We pulled in at the house and saw two more travel Vessels. Black vandoit with air conditioning, awning, and solar. This fella obviously wasn’t a penny pincher like Danny D over there. 

Vessel Dose was a burnt orange forerunner, TRD package. New tires with the little nipple things still on them. 

I immediately scanned my brain for which of my hero’s had recently gotten new tires on their Toyota forerunner. It was my Kentucky hero Shlristi and her IT guy Shlike. 

I jumped out of my 2017 kia forte, threw on my pig costume, did a head first, baseball slide under the garage door as it was going up, narrowly missing the ping pong table, did a VO2 max effort sprint over to Shlristi and gave her a squeezer hug. And if you think that excessive, you’re totally wrong; that’s extremely appropriate behavior to someone who you exchange long videos with on the regular with life updates and they are your Mohican race partner. So no need to worry. 

I then continued the lingering hugs onto IT professional Shlike and Shlanta Clause. 

Now to address the elephant in the room

So now we are at our air bnb of residence for the next 6 days; and what’s the first thing you do in a new air bnb??? Check out the sleeping situation. So I sneakily, quickly, and efficiently meandered throughout the homestead and gave a quick scan to the sleeping situation. I crunched a few numbers and determined that 

married couples +\- big beds multiplied by single beds, carry the 1, divided by pull out beds subtracted by one short not comfortable couch 🟰 the bed in my car will be the most comfortable. 

Now the issue of me sleeping in my car is….. everyone pictures me like, in the driver seat, slightly leaned back, in work clothes, with a hat tipped over my eyes and my arms crossed…… sleeping for 5 nights. AND I’m with them, That seems uncomfortable and strange. 

But YOU and I have read all my other blog posts and we both know that my car is a fully decked out house on wheels where I spend many nights per year asleep in my trunk, especially before almost every race that I do🙂

If you’re new to the blogs then be sure to go back and read the previous. They aren’t this long… but close. I’ll paint a picture of my motor home. 

Casa le Kia Forte 

I got this forte on super deal, it came with 30k miles, AC, cruise control, 2 years  old, AND every body panel, including the roof was dented from a domestic dispute. Therefore I only paid $6,000 for it 😎. It gets 36mpg. Best deal ever. 

So I’ve got the Kia forte and it’s covered in the stickers for my business and I gotta deliver some 5/4 live edge walnut stock to Amish John, but my dually gets 8mpg diesel. So I did what any normal person would do, I took out the passenger seat and the back seats and filled it with walnut and delivered. 

This was an eye opening adventure and a whole new world of possibilities and opportunities. I’m here to tell you that the biggest limiting factor in your life… is that passenger seat in your car. Get rid of it, live a little! 

Also now my German Shepard had a very nice dog bed to sleep in when I drive; rather then keep sliding off the small passenger seat. 

And…. And…. Wanna go somewhere? Cool! You gotta drive though, no seat 😎. 

So it’s been 6 years and the no passenger seat on my car has been the best decision of my life. 

I put my tool box and cooler where the passenger seat should be and with no back seats, I now have a perfectly flat surface from trunk to dash board for my bed. My bed is a 6” thick foldable foam mattress that I put my sheets and blanket and pillow from my regular bed on it. Your head always goes in the trunk because it’s dark and no one can see you through the windows. 

The trunk is only held shut with a bungee cord which makes for very easy opening and closing and keeping it cracked. 

You think I’m crazy but I’m about to show you, how crazy you are! Have you ever been in your bed with your pillow and thought, it sure would be nice if my upper torso was outside rite now, enjoying the 68 degree Arkansas air and staring at the stars? Of course you have. Well in the Casa Le Kia Forte, you just grab the bungee cord and push the trunk lid open. 💥 boom. Sleeping under the stars. 

I’ve got an array of zip ties throughout the trunk to hold up my phone, back sleeper, side, stomach, every position, there’s a secure place for my phone to watch season 50 of survivor. And when you put it into perspective, my phone a foot away from my face equals a 82” tv on the wall in front of your bed. So it’s like a 5 star hotel, but better. 

Now that we are all on the same page, feeling bad for the old people trying to sleep inside on someone else’s bed…. We can proceed with the week. 

So I know where I’m sleeping, I’ll break the news to everyone how weird, yet wise I am, later. No need to unload anything though, because I’m staying in my car. Another convenience factor. We put our bikes in the garage and sat down on some patio furniture in the garage to chat and giggle and fawn over one another. I did sneak off immediately for a shower though, I had been riding since 6:30 that morning in the same clothes I had been wearing for 5 days. 

Shloug and Shlris were rubbing their bikes and comparing whose brakes needed bled worse. Shlanta was giving us updates on the problems up north, drama with Rudolph and blitzen, Mrs clause health scare at her last check up, how global warming has affected the ice melt behind the elves workshop etc… 

Shloni and I were trying not to stare into each others eyes too much, it was to early in the week to fall in love again, plus there’s still some lingering “things” that need worked out with Shmaren. 

So when one of the newest Dirtbags pulled in, I WAS STOKED!!! 

I immediately jumped up to go give shlindsay a monster squeezer hug and ask her all about what’s new with her band, how was polar roll, gimme every detail on the history of monkey lube, what kinda skates do you use at roller derby, how’s your Australian Shepard, when are we gunna ride together since we live an hour and twenty two minutes away from each other….. and then I remembered that we never actually met, she had no idea who I was, and maybe I did a little too much research when I saw the monkeylubellc@gmail.com email in the dirtbag chat. My bad 😑

So I just said “Hi, I’m Shlatt, welcome, we’re gunna be best friends” 😬

Side note: I feel like when I tell people we’re gunna be best friends…. They doubt it or dismiss it. Then like 6 hours later they’re always like “wow we’re like best friends now” and I’m like “no 💩 , I told you that was going to happen. 🤨

Shlindsay went inside to shower, because like the rest of us, she couldn’t stay away and had been rippin trails and catching air for the last 2 days. 

Now I focused my attention on another not-as-familiar face. Shlike. Shlike was Sklristis other half. 

Criminal profile #4 Shlike 

Arch Nemesis #1: Artificial Intelligence 

Arch Nemesis #2: loose Arkansas gravel 

Dropper post: goes up and down with the push of a button 😮

Bike color: orange to black. Realll nice 

Exercise of choice: running short distances 

Occupation: first line of cyber defense for Big 🍕 🌮 🍗 

Last Facebook post: 2/9/24

Bald guys club: nope 

Boss: Shlristi

Most of the conversations with Shlike were confidential, top secret information that comes from the top of one of the most delicious companies on earth. I’ve said to much already…. 

Everyone else trickled in shortly there after, but we gotta save some criminal profiles for later. Shlaul, No cheese, and bent rim showed up at last and the family was complete. Almost complete anyhow, there are a few delightful surprises to come. 

Night 1 dinner

The first task at hand once everyone had arrived was to feed. Feeding tastes good and gives you energy! Chef Shloug had flat bread pizzas on the menu, build your own. I did pepperoni under the cheese, onion, bacon bits, and Parmesan. 15 minutes at 350. Spectacular! 

The remainder of the evening was spent fiddling with bikes and teasing anyone and everyone relentlessly. Of course if there was more then 2-4 seconds of silence, I would panic and jump in with a “DoorDash diary” story, or brag about all the lonely trucker gentlemen that would wish me a “good morning handsome” every single morning when I was instagram famous during the sawmill era. 

Once the sunset, it was time for bed, people started stirring about, seeking their own little slice of sleeping heaven amongst the house. ….. we already know my plan though, I would follow Shlanta out the front door as he walked to his summer sleigh (black vandoit w/ solar), but I would detour and hang a right once I got past the new dirt mobile and arrive at Casa Le Forte. 

Everything went off without a hitch, and within minutes I was peacefully watching body cam videos of police chases, in my own bed, in the trunk of my car, while all those other suckers in the house are wondering if that itch is dry skin or bed bugs 🐜 👀