Birthday DRT camp

 The birthday adventures started with my Mohican 3 lap adventure on Tuesday. 

Wednesday and Thursday were focused on eating. Just eat constantly. Refuel, refuel, refuel, also lots of stretching and packing. 

I had a plan in mind, DRTCAMP started Saturday evening in Bentonville; 13.5 hour drive for me. Buttt I get out of work Friday at noon. So I started googling. Longest and hardest trail I could find en route. 

I landed on Mark Twain national forest. In the Ozarks, hell yeah! I watched Ozark 3 times on Netflix. So of course I want to go searching for the Snells poppy farm! 

So I found the Berrymen Loop, it was blue-black (depending which app you looked at) 25-30 miles 2500-3000 foot elevation. Perfect! And they got camping. 

So I was all packed. I had removed all the seats from my car…. Except the driver seat… and made a very nice bed, I had sheets and cardboard to cover the windows. I washed my bike… and video taped myself doing it for proof. 

Side story: I bent me derailleur in a crash a week prior and did Mohican with 2-4 gear and 7th. So I knew Coach Al would need to fix this in bentonville 😉. But Al wants a clean bike to work on. But I knew mark twain had water crossings so I would arrive in bentonville with a dirty bike. So I recorded myself washing it on Thursday for proof. 

So now I’m packed, with everything I own and a squeaky clean bike. Sofa King ready for an adventure. I left rite from work on Friday and headed to Missouri. Today’s nutrition was double flame thrower burger, onion rings, and small peanut butter milk shake. 

The drive sucked, bad traffic and lots of angry drivers. As I was winding through the back roads of Bourbon, Missouri I started getting pretty anxious. Not sure what I’m getting myself into, the park website was hard to navigate and I wasn’t sure about the camping situation ect.. 

So I finally arrive around 10 p.m. and I find the camp ground, primitive with only a few sites. I pulled as far into the first site as I could, I saw 2 other campers in the distance. I got in bed, popped the trunk because it was hot (72 degrees), laid back and relaxed. Started my nighttime meditation and…. Fucking headlights. Shit, what the hell!! So I crawl into the trunk and look out. An SUV creeping around the camp area and then left? What was that? O well back to meditating. I slept great somehow, like 7 hours. 

The night before I had found a map to the trailhead, I had about a 6 mile drive. I was hoping to get in the trail by 7-8 . So I went to the bathroom and found the information on the camping situation. You need to fill out a ton of information. Eye color, vehicle, license, first prom date. All kinds of shit, and put in $15. Well I didn’t have a pen or go to prom so I put a $20 in the envelope and called it good. 

My conscience was clear, I have paid my money for the campsite. Got in my PRD and was headed to the trailhead in the dark. All was dark, except for that fire in that tree?!? What?? 

I would add a picture here but i can’t figure it out. 

I stopped the car and took a picture. A tree was on fire 20 foot off the ground. Hmm. 

Moving on. Must be a Missouri thing. Or likely some sort of message from the cartel to the Snells. 

So I find the trailhead and read the board. There’s a few rules. 

Tell someone where you’re at. When you’ll be back, plan for double the amount of time, and travel in groups of 3. Hmm I’ll text Katie and Jeanette my plans. No service. Ok I’ll do that at the top. 

Now nutrition for the day; I had finished my last onion ring before bed. I bought a half gallon of chocolate milk. That was the nutrition for the day. Except remember when I said it was 72 degrees. Yeah miscalculation on my part, the milk was hot. That’s not going to help. 

Now I’m so excited. This is a fuckin adventure!!! Overcoming obstacles. Ok what do we have. Old chews from Mohican, smashed muffins from Mohican, and hot orange juice. That’s enough! I filled my bottles with hot orange juice. And I had all the confidence in the world because I had watched multiple times when Nathan Long ( marji out n back buckler) set the crusher EX fkt with orange juice because he forgot his drink mix. It’s an 8ish minute YouTube video I have watched many times. 

So set off down the trail to go clockwise, that was the recommendation from the reviews. I get to a big creek crossing immediately. I take a selfie and…. No helmet. Shit! Glad I took a selfie! Went back and got my helmet. 

Picture here 

So I got the helmet and found the berrymen loop, it mixes back and forth with the ozark trail. I start ascending in 2nd gear with a low heart rate jamming to Beyoncé and enjoying the day. It was my birthday and I was alone, seeing new scenery, from my bike, with my new fitness. Couldn’t get any better than that…. Until… 🫢 that’s a tease 

The terrain was awesome. Lots of pine trees and rock. Little white rocks highlighted the trail through the pine needles. Absolutely magnificent. The ascents were easy, not nearly as punchy as Mohican, the descents were loose and I was sure to take them cautiously.. at first anyway. Really trying to avoid any crashes out here. 

I did get some messages to go through to Katie and Jeanette with my plans and stuff. So that meant… I could go a little faster on the descents now. The trail was easy. Definitely nothing black diamond about it. I was eating a lot, random stuff I found in my bag from all last years rides. 

I arrived after 2 hours or so of riding ( I don’t look at mileage while I ride, I like the suprise) to the campground I stayed at last night. Dang I could have rode from here. Oh well, press on. Not long down the trail I encounter… blackness. Everything was black, like an apocalypse. Everything was burnt. There were logs on the ground shouldering and smoking still. All the trees were burnt. I laid my bike next to a smoldering log and took a picture. 

Picture here 

What was this? Has to be a controlled burn. I don’t know anything about those but… if it was a wildfire… somehow I’d know? A sign or text alert or trail closed. Hmm. Controlled burn for sure. Now I’m riding along in amazement. Just awh inspiring views. The trail was white rock and everything else was black. Absolutely incredible. 

But there were trees still burning, like dead ones, rite on the trail, on fire ready to fall. So I did pick up the pace a bit. I came to a few spots in the trail where trees had burnt down and fell over, blocking the trail. There were ATV tracks around all the trees, spinning tires and running over saplings. Very fresh tracks. Must have been yesterday during the controlled burn. (There are signs everywhere saying no motorized vehicles on the trail) so this was odd. 

After an hour or so I was out of the burnt forest and back to the natural woods. The terrain was now more black diamond. Lots of rock. Much more challenging than the first. Heart rate was getting pretty high on the Rocky ascents. 

I was out of nutrition but it had been like 4 hours so I was probably close to the car. The beginning of the bonk was arriving but I’m close. No big deal. I got back to the car 4hrs and 40 minutes later. 30 miles and 2600 feet. I made a recovery shake and headed back down the road in the direction I came; I got to the top and got service, put in the bentonville address and the map loaded. WILDFIRE warnings all over! Holy shit, I camped in a wildfire and rode through a wildfire. How awesome. That must have been the creepy SUV the night before. 

So back on the road, headed south to Bentonville to DRTCAMAP. Equally excited and anxious. I noticed that I smelled like farm animal. Going to need an immediate shower… after this 4 hour drive. I burned 3206 calories on that ride, so I was hydrating and fueling with the few things I had on my way south, 3 scratch chocolate recovery shakes. Electrolyte water. Panic at the disco on the radio. 

A few hours later I arrived at the air BNB for dirtbag camp. I immediately saw… this is the first character in the book( all identities will be hidden to avoid future legal trouble). So upon arrival I see… shmaren unloading bikes. Shmaren is a would renowned rugby extraordinaire with traps for days and delightful flowy brown hair like a Greek goddess. As soon as I get out of the car she goes for a hug… this will become a repeated thing with shmaren… she’s very… affectionate you’d say. I fend off her advances due to my stink factor. 

I grabbed my showering things, ran inside, did a quick intro and took a quick shower. After my shower I found my room. The air bnb was massive and very nice, newly remodeled. My room was 3 sets of bunk beds. I put my stuff down and went back upstairs to socialize and consume calories. Fueling was going to be the name of the game this week since I was in a house with professional athletes from all over the world. 

I get upstairs and the loudest athlete … shmuzie… screaming happy birthday. 

Side quest: birthdays aren’t my jam. But my wife wanted my birthday acknowledged, so she secretly messaged shmuzie 😑.

 It was at this time I was awarded a birthday present. It was a very magnificent flowery Hawaiian shirt with three of the most beautiful faces in the world on it. Shmaren, shuzie, and shmisten. 

Character #2. Shuzie - she’s 2% oshcanozey jew and very proud. Volume control is a tool she is…. Working on… she’s not hard to find at your local bike race, she’s the single speed chick wearing the extravagant costume/outfit and sweating buckets. 

Character #3. Shristen. She’s from Colorado. She told me, she’s tatted up like a prison gang leader, she’s the 2018 ms. Xterra, top dog firewoman in Illinois, and got 3rd at arrowhead 135 this year. To say she’s intimidating is an understatement. 

Ok back to the birthday gift. It was amazing, floral Hawaiian shirt with those 3 badass chicks on it. I’m stoked now! Got a new special occasion shirt. The rest of the evening was catching up with new and old friends. Shenanigans and tomfoolery were being had. The smiles were contagious. 

Day 1 of DRT camp started with the BEST eggs I have ever had. They were made with love and you could taste it! Complements to shmaren the chef. We did yoga and then rolled out to meet Shmoelle at a small pump track to work on some skills. 

Character #4. Shmoelle: local Bentonville legend and quite who can be caught shredding the local gnar the other local pros like Hanna Otto and the late Mo Wilson.

The skills session was a fantastic intro, a great reminder of the proper technique since we were about to ride 137 miles of the worlds best trails. Elbow position, feet position, centering your weight. All of the good stuff. 

Since calories were going to be my kryptonite this season, I had to constantly be eating. So I packed 3 pieces of pizza with me in a ziplock bag and put it in my pack. After every session’s bag of a new skill, we would line back up and I would eat some pizza. More calories more calories more calories. 

Incident # 1: “the pizza bite” it was at one of these down times when I was working on eating my pizza calories that …. Shmaren grabbed my wrist…. Mid pizza to mouth transition…. And put said pizza into her mouth… she straight up ate my pizza. Not once. But twice. 

Insert picture 

We then headed out and rode some of the back 40, sessioned some drops and rocky sections with our new skills. Practiced some drops and headed back to the house. 

21.39 miles

1224 ft elevation

Monday morning started out interesting. Whoop said I was 19% recovered and I should take it easy today. Coach Shmal said I should try and hold his wheel on a damp 4 mile black diamond ride at 7 a.m. 

Character #5. Coach Shmal- professional bike fixer, push up enthusiast, make hard things harder, can somehow make you send well wishes to your worst enemy with some bowls and seed filled bamboo contraption. Also has the answers to all the questions. 

I don’t remember a lot of that ride but it was spicyyy rite outa the gate. Heart rate too the moon, only saving grace was the navigational struggles from our “leader”. It was 4.77 miles, 453 feet of climbing and I was told “don’t follow me that close Matthew; different skill levels” true dat. Shmisten recommended I try following her for a bit, this turned out to be the theme for the week. 

We got back to the house just before 8 and walked in to the smell of… heaven…. In the form of eggs. Magnificent magnificent eggs 🥚. Kisses to the chef! 

We then headed to practice drops, jumps, and berms. I don’t remember where. Everyone worked up the drops to the 3rd biggest. 3 foot ish. No crashes, confidence was high and smiles were all around. We then headed to “the castle” . We did every downhill run and then pedaled back up. It was long, I was burnin the calories. Still snacking on pocket pizza and drinking hot orange juice from my bottles. 

The trails were amazing, so fast, we started out with medieval, catapult, dragon scales, and loam wolf. Nothing terrible just lots of rocks. I did manage to crash though in a green trail😂. 

Somewhere in there we stopped at the meteor I think it was called. Got pizza and put the extra in my pocket bag. Everyone was pretty fresh and learning alot and taking risks. Confidence was up

27.68 miles 

27.01 ft elevation

Tuesday morning rolled around and it was cold and windy. There was a “jump class” that 5 of us had signed up for taught by this magnificent jaw line fella named rich drew. Myself, shmuzie, shristen, shrian, and shris all attended. 

Character #6- Shrian- my roommate for the week, I came out of the closet to him countless times, legendary frame builder of “the bike”…. Yeah that one. He builds the U.P.s most legendary bikes…. But if you think you’re gunna get one…. No chance. He’s booked out till 2056

Character #7- Shris- is Hank from breaking bad. Identical twin. Hes definitely my favorite full squish 12 speed guy! He’s never not laughing. The funniest person I’ve ever met. And hungry. Hungriest person I’ve ever met. If you can’t find shris and it’s been more than an hour since we ate….. he’s getting food somewhere. 

So the 5 of us go to the jump class. “The jaw” has these huge ninja ramps and tall like 2’ landings. No way I can jump that. This guys gotta have some smaller stuff somewhere. So he starts out with our fears. Shmuzie is afraid of being here, I’m afraid of my feet coming off the pedals, shristens afraid of making the Friday fails again, Shrians afraid of gas powered cars, and shris is afraid the others will eat without him. 

So Mr jaw hits his ramps over and over at varying speeds, in different positions, going into the wind. And then it’s our turn. I didn’t think it was possible but what stuck out to me was trust fall. He said lean back on your bike like a trust fall when you ride over the ramp. Enough speed to get over the ramp and trust fall. So I did just that, blindly followed the long haired CrossFit instructor in front of me. Never thought about the ramp or the gap or the landing. Just trust fall. And it was fine. Landed just fine. Pretty amazing. 

Once we nailed one step, we moved on. Loading the bike at the rite time like a diving board, trust fall, then lean slightly forward to bring the nose down on the landing. Mr. Jaw kept making the ramps bigger everytime. By the end we were all clearing it. I saw smiles on everyone’s faces that couldn’t be faked. And the enthusiasm of Mr. Jaw was infectious. We left that class with sky high confidence. Ready to shred gnar immediately. 

We went rite over to the kids skill area and tested out our new skills. They did not translate. These jumps didn’t have a lip and the ground was loose. The confidence was dwindling. We then headed over to Colar mountain bike park. We went down the side by side jump line first, I had no confidence. Not feeling it. Riding the breaks. 

Then Shmal said he wanted to do the double black diamond “here’s Johnny” trail. He said I could maybe do it. Carefully. Challenge accepted. No confidence of jumps but rocky technical is my favorite. So we headed down here’s Johnny. It was no joke. Very exposed with so many rocks. I hung in the back. Wanted to do my own thing, pick my line and not have any pressure. Anything I thought I could ride…. I did. Anything that was questionable…. I still made it. I walked the smart stuff, not trying to get hurt. But my confidence was growing. At one point I rode a longer section and made my way up to shristen and she told me “I deserved to move up in the line”. That’s a big compliment. I didn’t, I liked the back. But my mood had changed, I was on top of the world now. 

We finished here’s Johnny strong and it was awesome. We had left our packs and water and extra clothes at the top so we had to ride back up and get them. I had been out of water for a while so I zoomed up to the top to refill my water. At the top shristen asked if I wanted to race down the side by side jump line. Fuck yeah I do! We both had done the jump class and just did all of here’s Johnny. I was ready. We fired off together and both cleared the first jump, both our Garmins went off simultaneously in harmony on almost every jump. I was in a big gear pedaling every chance I got. It was neck and neck, I’d see her pull ahead on an inside turn then I’d catch back up on my next inside turn. We hit the last big drop off at a dead tie with huge air. Smiling ear to ear. That was definitely the highlight of the week. The culmination of the jump class and loss of confidence then gaining it back. Super duper awesome. 

Then we got lunch and we split up. Shmal, shristen, shrisn, myself, and shristi headed to the other half of colar. 

Character #8 shristi- shristi arrived late Sunday night, she’s from Kentucky, 100 mile ultra runner, turned mountain biker, and literally the most positive person I have ever met in my life. You’ll never find shristi with anything but a smile. Big smile. Despite getting the coolest injury of the trip. Big sweet looking gash from a pedal strike. Legendary 

So we went to the other half of colar. It was a long climb, but we did almost every trail they had. Including the last one we did “fire tower”. Fire tower has small jumps that get really big by the end. It was so much fun, I had scary confidence. I was attempting to hit every jump and was successful enough to not crash. 

We were wiped and headed back to the house where we ate the most amazing tacos. Shmarens honey chipotle chicken tacos will set your mouth and your heart on fire! 

Mileage after jump class: 22.68 miles 1929 ft elevation. 

Side quest: it was April fools day. And as most people do… I travel with a pig mascot costume and outlet stickers. It worked out great because chef shmaren was complaining of the lack of outlets on the counter. So I quickly installed 3 new sticker ones. Classic. 

Then I dressed in my pig mascot costume and waited about 20 minutes standing within an inch of shristens door that morning waiting for her to come out, but I  first almost discovered by Shmoni, she walked rite out of her room within an inch of me and didn’t see me. I was glad because that would have been rude to scare her. 

Character #9 shmoni- spouse to shris, probably my favorite person in the house, she is always getting better. I loved that. Never sitting idle, always working on scraping for recovery, or rolling out, or drinking healthy tea, or taking elderberry shots. And it obviously works because she’s a freakin iron woman! She always looks in your eyes when she talks to you and is not afraid to set her boundaries. You’re not talking shmoni into doing anything she doesn’t wanna do. Shes not big on kids though. 😂

So I first scared shris coming out of the bathroom, then got shristen coming out first breakfast. Then I waited behind shmarens door and followed her most of the way down the steps until she realized. Then back up and waited a while for shmuzie. She had an odd move. She came out of her room and sat on the steps looking down at everyone in the kitchen area. So I crawled up and sat behind her. Took a minute but she realized, 

Funny funny. Back to bikes. 

So at breakfast on Wednesday I’m talking with Coach shmal and I said “ya know, Mr jaw told me yesterday that clipless pedals weren’t cheating, and that would make the jumps a lot easier. I brought some clipless pedals, and shoes”… Shmal says “ we’re doing a nice cross country ride today that I’ve never done. Today would be a great day to try! Let’s go switch your pedals. 

Note: shmal said “a cross country trail I’ve never rode before” hmm suspicious. 

So now I’m around 170ish miles and 17,000 feet of climbing for the week. Let’s go clipless😂. 

So it’s Wednesday and it’s raining, we had heard of a good trail at devils den park. 45 minute drive. We loaded up in various vehicles. I was in the Mudslingers van with our 2 leaders, shrian, and shmarry.

Character #10 shmarry- shmarry is the oldest person I’ve ever met. He’s 69 years old and is Santa Clauses doppelgänger. He lives in an adventure van traveling around doing the hardest mountain bike races this side of the Mississippi. He would love to talk current events with you. Please. 

We arrived at devils den around noon, shmaren and shmoni chose to shred gnar in their sneakers instead of bikes. The rest of us set off, clipped in, onto the “cross country” trail. And guess what, the opposite of cross country is gigantic car sized boulders, exposedddd drop offs where you had to duck under overhangs to avoid going down the ravine. We ride under waterfalls and pushed up slippery wet rocks. I was conscious to unclip religiously to walk up and around some of these rocks. Not taking any risks. 

Riding under small waterfalls is just incredible. Navigation was tricky again but fun was being had. Shmuzie was facing fears and conquering them. Staring death in the face and pressing on, she was putting in way more effort then the rest of us. 

The humidity and the adrenaline had shmuzie…. Becoming “visually dehydrated”. We pressed on, splitting off at some sections to take alternate routes. It was at one of these split offs that some of us took the uphill black diamond route, I attempted to ride up the rocks but spun out and went down. Real panic moment because I was clipped in. But guess what?!? I came unclipped and all was fine. We made it a ways up the rocky ascent and then got a call that shmuzie had fallen ill, so we turned around and descended the rocky black diamond and found shmuzie resting on a cold rock after dry heaving. That’s deep into the bonk when you start dry heaving. She was the only one putting in that kinda effort. What a champ! 

Turns out she experimented with 3 pieces of energy gum shortly before and as it turns out… that’s too much. And that’s why we experiment in training and not on race day. Thanks for the sacrifice Shmuze!! 

So we took it easy and crawled the 2 miles out. There was a river crossing rite before we got to the car. Some people ride through it, either ratcheting or just pedaling with wet feet or rock hoping. No one fell in. 

10.9 miles 

1243 ft elevation

Shmuzie changed clothes and laid in the back of Shmarens blue Subaru. We took a picture, changed into our evening attire and went to a taco place. Then a custard place. By this time we were all on “brotha from anotha motha” terms. Best friends for life, except shmaren, she was constantly playing footsey with me under the table, riding her bike next to mine, making me the most out of this world 5 star amazing meals, asking me to feed her, and requesting I kiss her head good night before bed. But when a world renowned rugby star power lifter extraordinaire asks you to kiss her delicious curly brown French braids… you do as your told. Plan and simple. 

Wednesday ended with shmuzie eating my whole $5 peanut butter Reese’s cookie and an extraordinary bowl meditation by sir Shmal himself. 

Thursday we woke up to rain all day. I had been eating dayquill in my closet downstairs since Sunday fending off a cold. It’s typical after a big 9000 calorie ride that my immune system tanks and I get sick. So I was prepared. But my Thursday morning I was wearing down, I took my last DayQuil and last cough drop but my throat was still on fire. We did a morning ride but it rained hard. Mostly pushing bikes across rocks and roots that were like ice. People peeled off and headed back but I stuck with shmal, shrian, shristi, and shris. The rain made the navigational struggles multiple x10. 

It was a cold wet ride. I was soaked to the bone and cold. Great training though. 

15.47 miles 

590 ft elevation. 

We headed back to the house, showered and warmed up, then loaded up and went into town. Onyx got coffee, taco stand truck, 3 bike shops, tea place, and Walmart, it was a nice relaxed endeavor but everyone was feeling sick. The rumor is that I started the sickness but… ya never know 😉

We got back to the house and shrian gave the most fascinating frame building power point presentation, I was super interested in how we makes everything identical and perfect without bending during the welding process. I think we were all mesmerized by it. But then he said it was a 2 year wait list for a bike and I forgot what else he said 😑

Then shmarry shared with us all the latest weather knowledge and it was apparent that Friday and Saturday would be a complete wash out and a wet time packing and a pretty gross drive. So most of us started to pack up a day early. The weather was rite on my route home. I was staring at 13.5 hours of thunderstorms and flood and tornado warnings. Ick. I’d rather not. 

So I packed everything up in my car and then we had our final night. Somehow shristen came up with a ton of awesome donated prizes from different manufacturers and we played a white elephant style prize exchange where we all ended up with shirts, hats, socks, stickers, water bottles, per bottles, and a ton of other miscellaneous stuff. I had just taken a DayQuil and was feeling decent and wired . Everyone peeled off to bed around 10. 

I knew it would be a few hours before I could fall asleep anddd the weather was going to hit around 4 a.m. but if I left now, I could drive a few hours, get ahead of the weather. I already had my car set up to camp so I could car camp at a rest stop when I got tired. So at 10:04 I meandered upstairs to an empty house and slipped off into the night. 

Threw in some energy gum and some NSYNC full blast on the radio and I was grabbing throttle north. I made it 6 hours, just into Indiana when I was getting tired. I stopped at a rest stop and checked the weather. Wouldn’t hit where I was at until 10:00 a.m. so I slept for 3 hours and then got up and headed north again. I was victorious in avoiding all weather so far. The rest of the drive was boring but I made it home around 3:00pm and went to bed. Pretty much slept for 24 hours. 

Pretty amazing birthday week with amazing people, 

With my 3 lap of Mohican and the Bentonville trip I got 204.14 miles of mostly single track 

20,091 feet of elevation 

9 new best friends for life. 

1 potential new life partner. 

And memories for a lifetime .